If I had kids, I’d like to take them grocery shopping; teach ‘em how to play the Great Grocery Game. Really, the whole grocery store is like a video game, although the educational kind rather than the kind where you can kill aliens. (Now there’s a way to get kids excited about grocery shopping...) Think about it. You have a certain amount of points you can spend (we could even call them dollars or something) a variety of items you need, and a bunch of distractors trying to get you to make choices that will serve not your interests but their own. This is the Grocery Game! It’s you versus the market - but you can win!
The same way you learn right quick to spot an extra life or a save point, you should be able to spot the sale tags in an aisle or pick out the store brand in seconds. It’s usually the one without any fancy coloration; alternately (especially if you are in a store for the first time) it’s the brand you don’t recognize. Just let your eyes glide right over everything they already know, and catch on the one you don’t recognize.
Once you’ve spotted the sale tag (o my hypothetical child), it’s time for the Stock Check! Is this item on your list of Things We Usually Need? If it’s not there, is it on the list of Things It Might Be Cool to Try? Great! Now it’s on to the Lightning Math Round! Does this sale put it below the store brand or comparable items? Price per unit is usually there on the sign; to try and trip you up during the Lightning Math Round sometimes the unit something ridiculous and random like “pack”. Or it will be in ounces while everything else is in pounds. You don’t need to know the exact answer - it’s just like those GRE math questions where all you have to know is if B is larger, smaller, or the same size as A.
Look, hypothetical child, we’re not just winning the grocery game, we’re doing GRE prep! Man, you are going to be the smartest hypothetical child!
Package sizing is another puzzle to watch out for. If you see an item that is notably cheaper than its comparables, check the package sizing. Is it an 11 oz bag of tortilla chips while everything else is 13 oz? Is it a 64-square roll of toilet paper while everything else is 100? These are some sneaky things - you will think you have beaten the grocery game, but in fact the final boss (CAPITALISM) is laughing at you.
What?! Hypothetical child, get out of the cereal! No, I’m not going to buy you a candy bar! Stop screaming, everyone’s staring at us! Look - um - quick, tell me which brand of coconut water is cheapest!
Can’t take you anywhere, hypothetical child.
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